On Spanx and Security…

Hey all. There’s nothing that I enjoy more than spending time with my family. Our conversations, our kindred spirits and our general silliness always seems to make Mom’s house a special place whenever we gather for an impromptu nuclear family reunion. For some reason though, Dad always leaves the room, either to take one of his oh-so-familiar naps in front of the TV or to watch CNN to find some new thing in the world to worry about leaving me there with a room full of women where I’m privy to conversations that are not altogether manly. Had my parents given me a little brother like I asked for all those years ago I would have some backup but, this here is the hand I was dealt and because I don’t want to listen to my Dad snore or go on and on about Mexican gangs running rampant, I stick it out with my Mother and sisters where the conversation on Mother’s Day was about, wait for it, Spanx. Now, it was bad enough that I was being subjected to a conversation about Spanx, girdles and all manner of body camouflage despite my efforts to change the subject, but then the conversation spun on its axis and all eyes focused on me, the only male in the room, and then this blast, “You see all that we go through for YOU MEN?! Y’all don’t have to do any of this stuff!”

There is truth to that. We men don’t go to nearly the lengths that women do in order to be looked at favorably. We don’t have to. I get a haircut, shower, dress up a little, spray on some of the good cologne, and then I’m done in 90 minutes tops. However, even doing that is in vain because unlike women, for us dudes, the look isn’t the thing when it comes to garnering the attention and affection of a lady. You know where I’m going with this right? A story for you…

I was on a business trip some years ago and killing some time in a restaurant until it was time for me to head to the airport for my flight home. I see this stunning woman walk in, face perfectly made up, her hair was immaculate, the dress she had on fit like someone poured it on her, her perfectly manicured toes were in a beautiful pair of heeled sandals that had straps tied nearly the entire length of her calf (drool). Her accessories were on point, her clutch matched the dress almost exactly and she had the walk of a woman that knew she demanded the eye of every man in the building. Then in walked her date. Jeans (sagging of course), tee shirt with a basketball jersey on top of that, the hair under the baseball cap turned backwards on his head looked about a week past time for a cut, his sneaker game was tight (of course) but I have a small island in Montana to sell you if you think that his ultra blinged out watch or chain was even platinum plated. Me and my co worker watched them both as they were escorted to their booth and couldn’t help but shake our heads at the odd couple now sitting across the way. As if scripted, we look at each other and said simultaneously, “He got money.”

Unfair? Probably; she might have just been into ‘hood dudes. But the matter here is that we don’t “have to do all of this stuff” like my sister reminded me during our family time last weekend because, well, we don’t have to do all of this stuff. We don’t have to go all out with the looks and the outward appearance in most cases because that doesn’t appear to be what’s important to women. What’s important to women, and I could very well be wrong here and that’s likely because I don’t have a woman pointing to the fact that I haven’t a strong clue in the first place, is security. Want to know why a slob of a dude can score the baddest chick in the room? Security. The ability to do for her; and yeah, money might have something to do with it but overall, security. Ladies want to know that everything is gonna be okay, that the roof is there, that the lights will obey when the switch is flipped, that there isn’t an echo in the refrigerator. Security. Ladies seem to need that above all else so talk all that Idris Elba talk if you want to because if dude is a 6’2, 215 pound rock of a man that looks like he was carved out of a block of onyx (or pearl if you roll that way) it means nothing if he can’t provide you with some sense of security and “stuff fulfillment”.

So since we know this we might not always have manicured toes or fingers, the hair might not always be cut EVERY Tuesday, the outfit might not always fit the situation, and we might even have on a team jersey when we take you to dinner even if that’s not nearly socially acceptable because in the grand scheme we’ve got it figured in our heads that is a secondary item for women. Conversely, it’s not a primary thing for women to provide security in the traditional relationship sense so more focus is on the exterior look more so than for us. So, no, I won’t be asking for a “Man Spanx” for my birthday as much as I could stand to hide some of this sexy goodness in my midsection because that’s not my primary area of concern; that is attaining a good enough job and means to make sure that I can make a woman feel secure in me as a dude.

So is there truth to this? Are women content to have a man that might not look the part but can give you what you need? And what is the real reason that women go to the lengths that they do? I’m very much like Drake when he says in the song “Fancy” that “You don’t do it for the men, men never notice, you just do it for yourself…” so while you might say that you’re doing it for men, is that really your bottom line reason? As women seem to be in a constant competition with the next chick I think they do it more to outdo another woman than it is to catch our eye. Tell me what you think, but in the meantime, for all you ladies out there, keep doing what you do because whether you do it for us or not, you look great doing it, especially when you do it in a sundress and strappy sandals. (drool)

~thanks for reading.

Join the party at:



  1. Love it Skrap.. I should introduce you to my brother.. grew up with all women! Thank goodness he went out and found his own positive role models!

    • I really don’t know why I don’t leave the room when my Dad does…he seems to have the “this conversation is about to go into left field” radar while mine fails. So then I’m left with mom, sister, and the nieces in the room talking about shapewear. Blah! 🙂 Thanks for stopping and reading, Regina!! I appreciate it.

  2. Skrap,
    You are right on so many levels. Women are most critical of the way other women dress. Ask Marilyn about the LACK OF SPANX Friday night. However, I think it is definitely an inherent need to feel secure with a man. Reminds me of a convo I had with my ex-husband some years ago. Security is def on the top of my list!! But a close second is “no jerseys for men over 35”.

    • Of course…jerseys are not a good look when taking your lady out to dinner unless it’s before or after the game you just attended together. Otherwise, not so much. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and reading!

  3. @Shonna – you are being awfully generous with 35…

    and Skrap I feel you… I may be 6’5″ 250 and kinda fine…. but until I get that job… I have no interest in even trying to date or enter a relationship. I don’t care how fine you are…women grow tired of a dud being broke all of the time…

    • Yeah…with women today (not all of them, just enough) you’re really playing yourself if you don’t have a certain amount of income, portfolio, etc. However, there are some out there that are willing to work with you, rare breed indeed. I don’t think that women have to have a wealthy man, they do however want to feel taken care of. They have a right to be tired of a dude being broke all the time the same way I’d get tired of a woman being broke all the time…or refusing to wear a sundress. lol Thanks for reading, man!

    • Yes Tim I was being generous with the 35. And Skrap right, only if we coming from the Hawks game! LOL

      • I would say a Falcons game…even after a game there’s really no excuse to have on a tank top of any kind at dinner unless you’re on vacation and having lunch at the beach. Football jersey, baseball jersey…yes. Basketball jersey…bad look.

  4. There are a couple of things I want to cover. I’ll try my best to type a blog withing your blog. 🙂

    SPANX / Shapewear – Personally, I think it’s worn by women of various sizes who want their clothes to lay smoothly and have a better fit. Honestly, it’s little to do with trying to attract a man and moreso with not offending the general public with your muffin top, Dunlap, *insert fat roll euphemism nomenclature here*

    Aesthetics- Men are visual creatures. If a woman wants to attract a man, he must first find her visually stimulating. That’s why women put up with “the shoes hurt to walk in, but they go with the clutch that you carry your lip gloss in….” and get “…nails done, hair done, everything did…” Now, do women do all the aformentioned things for themselves, of course! Do they do it for “..the girls hatin’ you wit dey friends…” Hell to da yeah! But there’s simply nothing like a compliment from a man acknowledging that he recognizes you look good. A woman that tells you anything else is lying to you & lying to herself.

    Emotions- Everyone knows women are emotional, sentimental creatures. That’s why we can be with a dude who isn’t always well put together, but makes us feel good. Not in a physical way, (although obviously that’s important too!) but on an almost spiritual level. It’s not always about finances, but moreso about contribution and reciprocity. If you feed a woman’s soul, and give back what she gives you emotionally, you’re heading in the right direction.

    Security- I think my Daddy is da -ish! And no one can ever tell me different! Know why? Because growing up, not once did I ever have to worry about utilities being disconnected, food being on the table, or having a roof over my head. Now as adult, I expect the same from a mate, as I’m sure most women do. Can we (women) do it by ourselves? Yup. Do we want to? Nope. As woman, it’s comforting to know when you are fully capable of holding your own, but it’s not a necessity.

    ***steps down off soapbox***

    • Oops! That first sentence was supposed to say “…NOT to type a blog within your blog.” Sorry about that!

    • Thanks for reading, Mar…appreciate the comments but as far as the Spanx go I never said that women wear them to attract a man, it was mentioned to me that this is something that women do in order to achieve a look for men, at least that’s the context as used in my mother’s living room. Remember, they were lamenting the shapewear thingamajig and then said, “See what we go through for you men?” Which I can only assume means that if they weren’t doing it in part to look a certain way for a certain man they wouldn’t think twice about letting the muffin top, dunlap *insert fat roll euphemism nomenclature here* fly freely in the wind. Not all women, I’m sure, but enough to keep them flying off the shelves I’m assuming.

  5. Skrap, this is one of your best EVER! And I think you’re right where you belong, hanging with your sweet mom & sisters in the kitchen. They’re the ones who’ve made you the sensitive, “he gets it” kind of guy you are (sorry, Pops! No disrespect 😉 Women know what can easily be encouraged: a haircut or an ironed shirt; and what cannot: lack of ambition, selfishness, disrespect. I like that you chose the word “security” over “money” as to what people look for in a partner, because they aren’t the same thing. Very subtle difference…damn, you’re good!

    • Damn, I am good aren’t I? Must have been something about those elementary school teachers I had back in the day. Thanks for coming through, I appreciate you taking the time to read!

  6. I’d say you’re mostly right on in your assertions. Women do try to look nice in part for men, but men don’t need us to do as much as we do (in my experience). So, part of it is for men, but most of it is for other women. Other women are much more critical overall.

    And, yeah, we women like security.

    • Almost forgot this:

      Men fall in love with women they’re attracted to and women become attracted to the men they love.

      I can’t remember who said it and I think that’s more paraphrase than exact, but the sentiment is something I think is very true.

    • I completely agree…I was having a conversation with some of my boys this weekend and while we really appreciate the lengths that you go to look as beautiful as you do, it’s not all together necessary especially since our end game in most cases is to get you out of all the clothes you put on. Just being honest here…

      • You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know. 🙂

        Honestly, it does make me feel good to get dressed up, even if for just myself. And the better a woman feels, the more confident she is and I think that shows through, too. So even if guys don’t notice or care about the small details, I think they do notice how we carry ourselves and it all goes together.

  7. Good job Scrap! You always give me insight on the male species, especially now that I am REALLY paying attention. Thank you!

    As for the Spanx, I don’t wear them or anything like it. It is what it is. Sisters are hard on each other but I try not to pay attention. I rather let a man “imagine” with what he sees. No hiding here – love handles and all!

    I believe security is very important. My father was a great provider. Some may even say we were spoiled. Along with that, my father was emotionally connected and present. So that is what I expect. I can work with a brother no matter where he is financially as long as he is doing his best. I am more interested in his mind and spirit. When those two are in tack, the rest will follow. I want to know who you are when you have nothing and struggling. That shows the real person. And, it will definitely show in his outward appearance!

    • Thanks for sharing Davina and I appreciate you coming through…I think that being real is a major thing from either side. Be it the love handles or where you stand financially you have to be able to stand on what and where you are. I think that goes a long way in establishing a respect base from the jump.

  8. At the end of the day Men are motivated by the noncie while women are motivated by attention and security. So basically as men we will do WHATEVER is needed to gain acceptance to get some of the nonice. Always remember the nonice is undefeated!!

  9. I think that security for me isn’t necessarily that the man will be able to pay all the bills, but that if he can’t, that I know he would work his tail off to do so or that we would work together to make it work. I guess the security that we would have each others’ back moreso than the financial security.

I love comments! Leave me one HERE! Pretty please...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s