Grocery Stores and the Apocalypse

At this moment as I sit here in Atlanta and type to you it is 51 degrees. The sky is overcast but the day is pleasant. There is a gentle breeze blowing outside, a bird is singing its song to anyone that will listen; I can hear the dog in the backyard barking loudly at something, more than likely the bird that I just told you about. However two miles away there is another land, one brewing with worry and strife; its people are panicked and its streets are packed. That land is called Kroger.

I regret that I didn’t have my camera with me in the store when I went to pick up a couple of items today. I’m not the kind that shops for everything when a little weather comes through, just the things that I absolutely need in case I can’t get out for a day. It was a little after noon when I got to the store, I decided to go early to avoid what was sure to be a rush of people later today, ahh but by the time I arrived the Kingdom of Kroger was already flush with citizens pillaging her shelves with all the fury of Tazmanian Devils spinning hither and yon. For your reading pleasure, here are some of the highlights from my Kroger trip on a 51 degree day one day before a POSSIBLE winter storm hits the Atlanta area. Based on THIS as well as THIS from a couple of winters ago I should have known better, I’ll try to get through it without cussing.

1. Imagine the surprise thinking that you’re beating the rush to the store only to find out that there is a line of cars waiting to just turn into the store parking lot. And then after you actually get into the store lot you have to play that awful game of “‘Round and ‘Round” in the lot hoping that you’ve timed your journey up that particular row just as someone is getting into their car to leave. I wasn’t ‘bout that life, I only needed 5 items, I just decided to park in an area that wasn’t exactly for parking but was adequate enough I wasn’t going to be in the store long anyway so I wasn’t going to get a ticket or anything. (put a pin in that)

2. Walked in the store and, since I only needed four items I didn’t need a buggy (or shopping cart for you Northerners), I could make do with a basket which was fortunate for me because there were wasn’t a buggy to be found and, wait a minute, not a single solitary basket either. All buggies and baskets accounted for in the store. No grocery toting accessories to be had. Not a one. Starting to frown now.

3. Went for bread first since I figured that would be in short supply what with the apocalyptic look of the rest of the store aisles, honestly it was like a Mad Max sequel was filming in there. As expected the bread aisle was completely run through. There were a couple of loaves of wheat that were left on the shelves. If you were very quiet you could hear those remaining loaves of bread crying out to be rescued from the awful scene in the Kingdom of Kroger. I grabbed a loaf from the top shelf and it thanked me profusely telling me that he would provide the tastiest sandwiches in all of Decatur in gratitude for me purchasing and taking it from the store.

4. I’d secured my five items and placed them in the basket that I’d found abandoned near the back of the store a few minutes before and made my way to the express checkout lane because 5 items is less than the 15 items that the sign over the register said that I could have if I wanted to stand in that line. However, two buggies up was a lady who didn’t think that the rules applied to her because her buggy was full, completely. At least 60-70 items. I got 5 items, the lady in front of me has about 12, behind me a man has about 10 in his basket, but Queen Giveafux up there has a full daggone basket of grocery in the FIFTEEN ITEMS OR LESS LINE! So here I stand, a grocery store rule abiding citizen, holding my basket that I may or may not have stolen from someone in the dairy aisle while they weren’t looking (Don’t you judge me!) trying to stare a hole in this woman’s back as the Kroger cashier starts to ring up her groceries. ANNNND, because there are no dedicated grocery baggers in the 15 items or less aisle because you’re supposed to only have 15 freakin’ items the cashier had to bag all of those items herself which made the line hold longer which ticked me off even more because, as you’ll remember from earlier, I’m parked illegally as all hell right now and I need to get back to my car with my 5 measly items before someone decides to get their tow on. I’ve never wanted to slap someone in the back of the head with a rolled up National Enquirer more than I did at that very moment.

Five minutes (which seemed like 50) minutes later I’m rung up and headed out of the store. Blood pressure up and breathing erratically. It’s 51 degrees outside, birds are singing, no sign of the ice storm of the century to come despite what the traffic in and outside of the store says. I hustle to the car and I’m not ticketed (praise Jesus!!!) and I go home where I will remain. And when this neurotic Georgia weather holds to form, and the storm system turns left up through Tennessee somewhere and it’s bright and sunny and 64 degrees here tomorrow expect to hear a news story about a budding writer in the Atlanta area that went on a rampage fueled by his unnecessary trip to the Kingdom of Kroger the day before.

~thanks for reading.

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  1. LMAO.. hilarious.. you should have seen the Aldi’s on Covington Highway. I swear everyone on this end of Dekalb County needed an onion at that very moment. The box that holds the onions,(probably holds at least 1500 bags of onions) was completely empty. All I needed was an onion.. and some guy had nerve to ask one of the stocker/cashier/managers could he have the box.. The box, that could only fit out the store through the loading dock and possibly fit on the back of a flat bed truck, was in need; for what, who knows. I swear, people take this just a little too seriously…..

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