The Reality of Responsibility

*disclaimer – Skrap is not a father though he is open to the idea of having a rugrat of his own one day. Perhaps because of this fact he is not the best possible author for this subject but, as you see, it didn’t stop him from writing on it anyway. Go ahead, start reading.


Hey all, first of all I want to apologize for the extended delay between blogs here. Between the last blog and this one I was lucky enough to get a contract gig in the field that I love (marketing) and I’ve been busy trying to impress so that this short term contract turns into something a little more permanent. Hopefully you’ll accept my apology, if not, then just blah to you and yours.

Obviously, last weekend was Father’s Day. For me, and many others, Father’s Day allows the opportunity to show love and appreciation to the patriarchs in our lives, those that have made a positive impact on not only their children, but also to the entire family unit. Families across the nation gather and shower the man of the house with ties, socks, cologne and of course the two largest pieces of chicken all in a show of love to that man that has unselfishly given so much of himself to make sure that his family doesn’t have to go without.

Obviously and regrettably in our society, however, not everyone was as lucky to have a loving and worry filled father like I and many others have. There are many men that have chosen to walk away from the children that they had a hand in making. Perhaps they think themselves above having to deal with a child and the demands they would make on their lives. Maybe they felt that their plans were too important to give up for something unforeseen like an unplanned child. Some men just choose to bounce leaving a large amount of women high and dry with a child to raise armed with barbs about “deadbeat dads” and “no good brothas”. A number of these women spent a good amount of time on Father’s Day shouting themselves out, saying that most men didn’t deserve any respect or “props” on Father’s Day because they have left a large number of single mothers doing the job themselves; and saying that men within “The Community” have little to no sense of responsibility.

Hmmm…speaking of responsibility.

Whenever I hear of an absentee father my first emotion is sadness. Fathers offer so much in the lives of their children that they miss out on when there is a strong male figure in the house on a daily basis. It’s not the fault of the child that the father decided not to stay, but I’ll tell you something else, that mother – that  woman that you’re listening to that goes on and on about everything that is wrong with the father of that child – has more than her fair share of fault on her hands too.

Now, this is not at all an effort to excuse men that skip out on their responsibility to the child they make as there are no excuses for that. What it is, however, is me flashing the “C’mon Son” sign at these women that conveniently forget that the baby didn’t get there without a little input (pun intended) of their own. With some of the carrying on my only visual is that in that bedroom, or hotel room, or park bench, or wherever they were that day/evening/night there were two lawyers, one for the young lady and another for the young man. Before anyone in this scenario got naked or the least bit horizontal there were negotiations and stipulations and detailed information shared between the two parties explaining what could happen as a result of the bumping and grinding that was about to take place. After the information was shared, both parties signed off on a 3 page contract stating they understood said risks and promised to handle any situation that arose as a result of said sexual activity. After that, one of the lawyers lit some candles, the other one hit play on the Ipod playlist entitled “My ‘Get Some’ Music” and they left the room where you were then free to sex to your heart’s content knowing that everything would be okay should any surprises pop up.

But that’s not the way it happens is it?

No one has a lawyer on retainer. No one talked you through the risks. No one gave you any papers to sign, right? It was just sex…and since there aren’t any Lifetime movies written and directed in your honor I’m gonna go ahead and guess that it was sex that you consented to, perhaps more than once. Sex you probably liked a lot with a dude that you thought was fine, or cute, or who had – ugh! – swagger. In short, you are where you are because you contributed to it.

I commented on this fact on my Facebook page and I was equal parts applauded and skewered because of it. While the proper response to this situation is not to point fingers back at the accusers and say, “You did it too!” like a 5-year-old, it is important to remind those that like to sit back and talk about how their “baby daddy ain’t shit” that the baby daddy in question got permission from you to engage in the process that created that life. So while you cry about a “Deadbeat Dad” it could be equally said that a woman is engaging in Irresponsible Vaginal Ownership. It’s unlikely that one of these exists without the other.

I refuse to make an excuse for a man that bolts on his responsibilities to his child; likewise, I choose not to listen to the rants and outbursts from a woman that forgets that she was open (pun completely intended) to the idea that created the life that binds both of you knuckleheads now. But if you have a female friend that just has to complain, if she simply can’t see that she had a role, can you at least tell her to clam up about it on Father’s Day because that’s not the day to fume about those fathers that won’t or didn’t…it about those that will and do.

~thanks for reading, say ouch if you have to.

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  1. Amend!! You are completely correct. However, there are those men out there who misrepresented themselves. “I will never leave you alone; I’m here for you; me and you us never part” type dudes. In my case, his daddy is around, he makes weekly calls and occasional visits. Pays his child support. Does he step up like I think he should- hell naw!! Do I hold it against him or tell my son how sorry his Dad is- ABSOLUTELY NOT!! Do I complain on Father’s Day- NOPE! Helped Jordon make him a card and he made the required call. It’s his day!! Great read as always Skrap!! And some lucky woman is going to have a wonderful husband and father in you!!

  2. Scrap, I’m saying ouch today. In your scenario, you are comparing an imperfect father to a sexually irresponsible female. That’s apples and oranges. You aren’t comparing a father to a mother OR and horny female to a horny male. If two horny people have sex, conceive a baby, they BOTH become parents and if only one parent steps up to raise the child (in your scenario, the mother) then the mother IS the one who has embraced “The Reality of Responsibility” She doesn’t have “fault on her hands” unless she’s chosen to abandon/ neglect her child also. I believe that if a person makes a mistake they should work to correct it and make the best outcome possible. If two people make a mistake together, working together makes it better. When a parent leaves or abandons the children, the parent with the burden may find it difficult to hold their opinion to themselves regarding the absentee parent. I want those frustrated parents to be reminded that children are smarter than you think. They see who cares, who helps and who loves. I grew up in a divorced household with a dad that I still love even though he doesn’t know how to make amends… and now, unfortunately, I’m divorced with a child trying to help my ex avoid the mistakes my dad made with me. But when hearts are broken and trust is gone, it’s hard to hear what the ex is saying, to work together. That is when a prayer life is necessary. Only He can change people (whether the change needs to happen in you or the ex) As far as the “responsiblity” that men have in the “community” the same goes for women. It takes a village to raise a child. All of us, parents or not, have the responsibility to “step it up”

    • Hey Tulani…perhaps I wasn’t clear. No one is excusable. Not the man, not the woman. No one. There is another person that is now here because of a conscious decision made by two consenting adults. I don’t care what the circumstance though the women that I heard most of this noise from last weekend were of the young/never married variety who simply do not see their role in the drama. This isn’t about who’s horny or not, this isn’t about anything other than a decision that two people had a hand in and all I was trying to say when I sat down last night to tap this out was that people really need to understand that this wasn’t an immaculate conception and for all parties involved to realize that before they go on ad infinitum about who is and who ain’t about shit…that’s all.

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