Hey all! I have about 900 friends on Facebook; I guess that’s a decent enough number of people even though friends are likely the people that you have programmed in your phone as contacts and not the random cat that you met at a party who sent you a request to be friends the following day. While making some changes to the ol’ Facebook abode the other day I realized that in actuality I have about 550 friends; I came to this number when I saw how many split personality friends I have on board. It’s likely that you have a couple of these people too; I’m willing to bet on that.
The split personality friend starts off as one person; we’ll call this person Sally. You’ve known her for years, she friends you and then you begin the process of vicariously living through one another’s lives via the internet. You look at her pictures of her vacation cruise and the pictures of her 8 year old starring as a tree in the school play, she provides a cool word of inspiration on Mondays likely piggybacking off something her Pastor said the day before, and she’s always good for a cool YouTube link of that song that was popular when you were both struggling in Miss Thompson’s algebra class in 10th grade. She’s one of those people that you genuinely look forward to seeing what they come up with next on their profile page. Then one day you log into Facebook and your “Friend Request” icon is lit, you naturally get excited because you’re about to get an uptick in your friend number; you click the icon to see who from your past has found you; only to see that you have a friend request from “Salsoprettysofreshsoclean Youknowyouwantit”. Of course you don’t have any mutual friends except for that one guy on your list that accepts friend requests (and Facebook viruses) from anyone that sends them. You have no Earthly idea who this person is or where they come from, the only picture they have on the page is some silhouette of the body they wish they had or whatever animal they think most describes their character, usually some kind of jungle cat.
Note: Funny how no one ever chooses an elephant, or rhinoceros, or maybe even a Velociraptor, they’re fierce right?
Most people simply delete the request or just let the request sit there and collect cobwebs but people like me, the nosy type, will send a message to Salsoprettysofreshsoclean Youknowyouwantit along the lines of: “Dear Person – Who the hell are you?” then about 15 minutes later you get “LOL, this is Sally, I needed a Facebook account for all of my real thoughts that I didn’t want my fellow choirmembers, family, or fellow PTA parents to read so I created this account.” You think its silly but you accept the friend request and cruise the profile page and its something out of a fetish hobbyist’s wet dream. Sweet little Sally has friends named “Juicy Splashwaterfalls Jones” and “Milesdeepinya Watson” and “Star Makeyouclimbthewallz”, and you see that she’s attending the Mega Orgy Fest at the Hilton downtown on December 11th…
Note: This is fiction, don’t all go running down to the Hilton on December 11th asking about the Mega Orgy Fest.
…as well as being a member of groups like Booty Wobblers of the Dirty South and Cucumbers, Popsicles, and All Things Phallic. You open another internet window and bring up Sally’s “friendly” page and you see the profile picture she took with her new puppy and her Mother’s Day photos and the all the pictures from the Single’s Conference at her church…then you click the other page and see the leather paddles, the erotic “poetry” and her status message 30 minutes ago about how she had to go to the restroom at work and “rub one out to make it through the afternoon” then you wonder…damn, how well do I really know Sally?
Now, I completely know the purpose behind making a page like this. You simply can’t have everybody in your business, especially business of such a, umm, sensitive nature. However, it seems that with the advent of social networking people have lost their filters and have to let somebody, anybody, know what they are thinking all the time regardless of subject matter and while there is nothing completely wrong with putting info out there, damn, leave a little bit out there for people to imagine, save some of the mystery, would you? I’d like to think someone wants to find out that you liked to be spanked lightly – or heavily – in a private moment rather than in a status message broadcast to your 747 “friends” – though I’m pretty sure that friend “Spankuallnight Sims” on your friend list will appreciate you putting it out there.
Personally, one page is good enough for me, I don’t think it harms the fragile sensibilities of my fellow choirmembers on my page that I’m overly silly, love rock music, and that I have a severe weakness for women in sundresses and strappy sandals – Wait, that visual…gotta take a second…hold please…
**Cheesy 70’s porn music plays in the background**
…okay, like I was saying, if you’re gonna put it out there go ahead and do it on one page. Hiding it under the guise of another name on another page is only denying a part of who you obviously are. Daggonit, if you like nude beaches, going on the occasional vodka binge and refer to your boyfriend in public as Daddy Wigglesworth or your girl as Mistress Stiletto McPhee then do it on your page as your real friends deserve to know who you are too.
And plus you’re hogging up internet bandwidth with that extra page and that’s just rude.
~thanks for reading 🙂
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