You Won’t Ruin My Panther Time!

Black Panther

I need to first specify before I even get started here that I love my people. In my somewhat – okay – completely biased opinion, Black people make the planet great. Without us seasoning this place, the world would be a big spinning globe of tofu and regular-ass Kellogg’s Corn Flakes; that said, without us the world would also be a tad bit quieter, which is why I’m going to see Marvel’s Black Panther in the whitest theater in the whitest community I can find.

Unless you’ve been locked away in a dark room plotting alongside Donald Trump and Skeletor on how to finally claim Castle Grayskull, you all know that Black Panther, which hits theaters on February 16th, has caused cinema fanaticism not seen since, well, pretty much ever based on the advance ticket sales which far exceeds the number sold for any Marvel movie so far. However, having been Black all my life and going to the movies a time or 200, I know how we get down at the movies for a regular ol’ movie. This flick will up that ante a whole bunch.

Look at this trailer and try not to have an exuberant moment…

 

 

You can’t do it! The first time I saw that trailer I think I threw something. It was reflex, I didn’t even want to throw it, it was something I needed, but I was THAT excited. That’s why I know that this movie experience is going to have more call and response than a Baptist church service and I can’t have it. My joy will not be stolen.

I will not be subject to people hollering advice to Chadwick Boseman imploring him to “Run!” or “Beat his ass!”

I won’t deal with exclamations of “Yaaaaas, girl!” or “Werk it, Bish!” when Lupita Nyong’o takes to the screen.

When Angela Bassett and Forrest Whitaker appear I just need people to internalize the thought, “Oh, there goes Angela Bassett and Forrest Whitaker. That’s cool.” And then continue about the business of shutting the ever-loving hell up and respecting my fifteen dollars.

Now, even as I type I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking to yourself, “We everywhere. Wherever you buy a ticket you WILL find one of your cousins and he or she will go ‘Full Community’ on you at some point during the movie”, to which I simply reply, don’t underestimate me.

I’ve been wanting for this movie since the first trailer dropped. I might go to Des Moines, Iowa, or somewhere in Maine, or a community and theater so oppressively white I’ll need to rent Minister Farrakhan’s security detail for a couple of hours to get in and out safely. Whatever it takes, I got SkyMiles, a passport, and vacation time and I’ll use all at my disposal if I have to in order to get all my dialogue, Shawty. Trust that.

Now, all this said…

After I get back from Helena, Montana, or Pocatello, Idaho having seen the movie for the first time and successfully hearing 100% of the dialogue, I’m going to come back here to Atlanta and immediately see the movie in the most ridiculously Black fashion ever.

First, I’mma tailgate in the movie parking lot for 3 hours prior to my showing better than I ever have for any college or professional football game I’ve ever attended. Then, dressed as Prince Akeem from Coming To America, I’ll lead a rousing rendition of all three verses of Lift Every Voice And Sing at the concession stand before finally walking to the theater and to my seat listening to Fight The Power on an Bluetooth speaker held aloft on my right shoulder like Radio Raheem in Do The Right Thing.

But when the movie starts, I won’t talk. I’ll eat the 3-piece fried whiting plate wrapped in aluminum foil that I bought from the vendor outside the movie that my girl snuck in via her purse. But I won’t talk…because I respect your fifteen dollars. You’re welcome.

~thanks for reading

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