When you listen to sports talk radio as much as I do you expect to hear mindless blather about this team, that free agent, or the other ridiculous amount of money that a grown man can get for dribbling a basketball on a 94-foot sheet of wood. What you don’t fully expect is to hear something that even resembles an Earth shattering truth which is what I got when, upon tuning to the sports talk station as I normally do on weekday afternoons, I heard a host say:
“The [colloquialism for vagina] is undefeated. It is unbeaten. It is untied. The [colloquialism for vagina] is, and forever will be, the undisputed heavyweight champion of the Universe.”
Truer words have never been spoken. There is dispute that the wheel is the most important tool mankind has conjured, others say the discovery and control of fire is paramount as far as tools in our history, others may argue the electric light, the airplane, the computer or Al Gore’s creation of the internet are all the top tool in our lives. Not me. I argue that the greatest tool on Earth is the vagina.
I surmise 70% of women don’t really know the power that her vagina wields. Screw Tolkien’s “The One Ring”, there is nothing more precious than vagina. How many countless hours have men tried to discover the wonders within? How many hours have men in this great nation spent following our women around in store after store in shopping malls fueled only by the possibility that our patience will be rewarded with a mere sample of the vagina’s wellspring? How many men actually lost 2 hours, and God only knows how much testosterone, by sitting through Sex and the City 2 with their women with the hopes that he may later bask in the Pulp Fiction’s briefcase’s glow of the prize between his woman’s thighs? How many men, I ask you! Well I will tell you, the men that are doing these things belong to women that know how to manipulate – wait, manipulate is such an ugly term for this point of discussion – rather exert the power of that which resides below their midsections.
So as I sat in Atlanta’s newest hotspot place to see and be seen, also known in Atlanta terms as the place that will be closed in 8-12 months, named Wet Willie’s and looked around at about 78.3% of the male patrons in the building I couldn’t help but think to myself, “What we need here is about 70 power wielding vaginas”. Stick with me, I’m going somewhere with this.
As a dude, I don’t get dudes nowadays. At the risk of sounding like the old crotchety bitter man that lives behind a 6 foot hedge ringing his property that walked to school uphill both ways in a blizzard, in my day you actually had to make efforts to get a woman. You had to look presentable, you had to have some semblance of business about yourself, you had to have dreams and aspirations, your subjects and verbs had to agree at minimum 80% of the time, your clothes fit, tee shirts were worn under a real shirt, you had to own 2-3 pair of dress shoes or at least 2-3 pair not emblazoned with a Nike swoosh or the Adidas three stripes, you had to look a woman in the eye and address her as something respectable [i.e. not “red”, “lil’ lady”, etc] and you had to know the power of conversation. In short, you had to be more than a card carrying member of the Neanderthal Society in order to gain the attention of a young lady. But at Wet Willie’s [better get there early, remember they only have 8-12 months] all of the men there were the opposite of the above listed items…
…and that made me question the new fangled chicks that are rolling off the assembly lines nowadays.
It appears that women in this day and time are grading on a curve. Why do I think so? I think so simply because there hasn’t been an upswing in the presentation from the male side of things. At the risk of losing points with some of my male counterparts, I will submit that we are apt to toe the line and push as far as we can until we are no longer desirable. Then, knowing our boundary and the female breaking point, we find our comfort zone and settle in. It’s horrifically apparent that the bar has been set so dreadfully low until guys can show up at an Atlanta nightspot looking like extras to the filming of a street fight and still know that their odds of their being in play with a woman is still good. But what if we substitute all of the curve graders with the aforementioned 70 power wielding vaginas? Lets see about inserting some women that know that their worth and know that they deserve someone that likewise knows theirs? What if we exchange some women in there that can exhibit some pride and expect some respect back in exchange? What, pray tell, may happen if the women made you work for a glimpse at her goodies rather than providing a free show with every unchecked and careless cross of the legs…and I’m not saying for women to go all Convent on me here but if your dress is covering one butt cheek out of two then the mystery is over. And let’s not even talk about the possibilities of not giving your most prized possession and source of your power to the first dude with a set of shiny new rims and a chain that no one in their right mind thinks is real! And if this theoretical substitution was to take place, if all the underachievers were traded in for the knowledgeable, if those of the fairer sex knew of the power they have between their thighs, and used it, who knows…
…maybe these dudes would pull their damn pants up.
That’s right, ladies! The pants sagging trend starts and ends with you. “Pants on the Ground” by that ridiculous American Idol dude was a decent attempt but it was all for naught, want to know why? Because that dude has a penis, it doesn’t matter what he thinks. But the moment that pants sagging equates with the inability to acquire a woman’s attention then that horrific trend will go the way of the dodo bird.
Sinking to rise no more like your old pair of bright yellow Cross Colours overalls from the early 90’s.
Women, know your power and use it for the betterment of our society. If you are conversely in the know about your, and its, worth and know a young woman that would benefit from your knowhow and experience then please mentor her, buy her some ice cream, take her to a park, create a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Something Or Other Circle but know that your efforts are not in vain, they will not go unnoticed, and they will kill this lack of respect and failure of proper presentation issue that we have in our communities once and for all.
And most importantly, it will give us more presentable men more male company in the malls when we’re trailing our women from store to store to store to store to…
~thanks for reading 🙂
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